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I started out with nothing...I still have most of it.
It's not the pace
of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop
at the end.
If at first you don't succeed, don't try skydiving.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few.
I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers...
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "The middle of August? Cool!"
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
What boots up must come down.
All power corrupts. Absolute power is kinda neat though.
The Dark Ages was caused by the Y1K problem.
Money isn't everything but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
If you think there is good in everybody, then you obviously haven't met everybody.
The geek shall inherit the earth.
Here I am!!! What are your other two wishes?
Taxation WITH representation ain't much fun either.
Gun Control: Use both hands.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake.
Failure is not an option. It's bundled with your software.
Strip mining prevents forest fires.
A picture may be worth a thousand words, but it uses up a thousand times more memory!
If a thing is worth doing, wouldn't it have been done already?
If we weren't meant to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Ham and Eggs. Just
a day's work for a chicken but a lifetime
commitment for a pig.
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Living on Earth
is expensive, but it does include a free trip
round the sun.
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?
Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
If all is not lost, where is it?
If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
Why do they put Braille on the number pads of drive-through bank machines?
How did a fool and his money GET together?
It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished.
What's another word for thesaurus?
What do they use to ship Styrofoam?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?
How do you know when its time to tune your bagpipes?
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
There are two kinds of pedestrians...the quick and the dead.
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
The average cost
of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez
oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of
the
most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild
amid
cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both
eaten by a killer whale.
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.
I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through.
It was all so different before everything changed.
Some days you're the dog, some days the hydrant.
Nostalgia isn't what is used to be.
The only time the
world beats a path to your door is if you're
in the bathroom.
If God wanted me
to touch my toes, he would have put them on my
knees.
When you're finally
holding all the cards, why does everyone
else decide to play chess?
Being healthy is
merely the slowest possible rate at which one
can die.
It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Iraqi terrorist,
Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a
letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped
on it.
Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.